Take Me Down To The Hospital - The Replacements

2.24.19

This past weekend was the most terrifying of my life.

I should stress that I’m fine and that the baby is fine but we spent Saturday afternoon and evening in the ER. 

It started around 3:30 when I went to the bathroom and saw blood. Not a spot or two but several blood clots large enough to cause my heart to race. 

I called John in a panic - "Baby, come home. I think I'm having a miscarriage."

I didn't know what else to do so I called 911 and told the dispatcher what was happening through sobbing gulps. 

The EMTs arrived in minutes, took my blood pressure - which was skyrocketing - and told me that they needed to take me to the hospital.

That cut through the panic like cold steel. 

"Wait. You're taking me? In the ambulance? No. I can't afford that. I'm gonna have my husband take me. He's on his way."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm not in pain, I’m lucid and John is coming. He'll be here soon. He can take me."

That speaks volumes about the healthcare system in America. 

I'm in my living room, not wearing pants surrounded by a bunch of EMTs and I'm terrified out of my mind. 

I think I'm losing my baby and I'm trying not to completely break down and yet, there's a part of my brain which understands that paying $500 for a ride to the hospital is insane.  

And I have great health insurance.

Things needs to change.

At the hospital, they took blood and urine samples and hooked me up to an IV for fluids.

And we waited. 

Finally, I got an ultrasound and we saw it again - a little flickering heartbeat. 

That sense of relief was like resurfacing from dark water. I didn't even realize how tight the anxiety was clenched in my chest until I could breathe again. 

I was experiencing subchorionic bleeding - a very common occurrence for women in the first trimester, it's when blood collects between the uterus and gestational membranes and scares the shit out of you.

While waiting for John, I sat on the rug in our living room and just broke down. I started sobbing and Indiana ambled over and lay down on me with his head in my lap.

He didn’t know what was wrong; just that Mommy was sad and he was going to help her feel better.

He’s a good boy.

I felt so powerless and so scared, but I guess that's what parenting feels like sometimes, right?

Some things are just out of your control and you can't protect your kid from everything but you can make smart decisions, ask for help and just hope for the best.

Because honestly sometimes? That's all you can do. 

Hey kiddo - it's Mom.

I love you. 

I've known you less than a month and I have no clue what you look like or sound like but I know I love you and that I'll do anything to protect you. 

Keep on flickering, little bird. We've got adventures to go on. 

See you soon.

We love you xx

P.S. - When you get here, we have to do something nice for Sarika Masi, Titi Dana and the nurses at the hospital who were so incredibly kind to us when we needed kindness the most. I guess I’ll have to wait a couple of years until you can hold your head up and get control of your fine motor skills but how about we bake them some chocolate almond banana bread or something? We’re going to cook a lot together.