Our Little Lives Are Rounded With Sleep
At 3:00am, I woke up because someone was scratching on the door.
This could be the beginning of a My Favorite Murder minisode but no.
It’s the common tale of how Indiana decided 3:00am was a good time to water the lawn and do a loop around the yard.
“Indiana. Knock it off. It’s sleepy time.”
”Scratchscritchscratch.”
”No, Doc. You went out before bed.”
”Scritchyscratchscritchyscratchyscratch.”
”Indiana Bones! No!”
”ScratchscratchscratchscritchscratchSCRATCH,”
”Goddamn it.”
Five minutes go by, I get him back into the house and toss and turn for the next 30 minutes.
I’m finally settling down when a sharp, high-pitched yelp cuts through the silence.
Roxy’s thirsty and apparently, Indy slurped up all of her water when we came back inside.
Mumbling some choice words - namely, “Goddamn feral ass gremlin children of mine…” - I get Roxy some fresh water and climb back under the covers.
Where I lie awake and annoyed.
Alright. This is super bullshit.
Thankfully, I don’t have work today but I do have appointments for both blood work and x-rays scheduled and I’d prefer to get a little sleep before having to go to them.
But I can’t sleep.
I remember hearing something about Matthew McConaughey reading bedtime stories for a sleep app.
Well, alright alright alright. His Lincoln commercials have a weirdly somnambulant quality to them and maybe his worn guitar strings and whiskey-honey twang will put me to bed.
So, I download the app and immediately get a Free Trial pop-up. Cool. Something which I will invariably forget to cancel only to discover a jarring SEVENTY DOLLAR monthly charge on my credit card.
Considering this is the same organization that sells lavender room spray…I’m sorry, Sleep Mist Spray for $18, I shouldn’t be surprised but seriously?
We’re monetizing sleep now?
We’re charging people $60 a year for ambient music, the sound of rain water and McConaughey ramblin’ on about how sometimes, ya gotta go forward to go back.
And people are paying for it as it became the top-grossing health and fitness app worldwide last year.
Something something late stage capitalism will kill us all.
I would come up with something a little more pithy or even include a solid link but I’m running on very little sleep, so just Google that shit.
If you’re having a hard time sleeping, download Drew Ackerman’s Sleep With Me podcast. Put the volume on low, breathe in and out deeply and hopefully, you’ll doze off - the calm and untroubled rest of someone who didn’t spend $60 on a goddamn app.
Just listen to it in bed and not like, while you’re tailgating a tractor trailer on 95.
Oh and in case you’re wondering how the rest of my day is going - I whacked my head into a shelf putting away laundry and Indiana almost knocked a super heavy bookshelf off the wall.
Why?
The kid was in pursuit of a mouse.
Yeah.
There’s a mouse somewhere in our house.
It’s been a goddamn morning….but luckily, little big man knows I’m feeling rotten and is doing an excellent job on the cuddle front, so as bad as it is - it’s really not that bad.
