This is 39

I moved back home eight days before my 30th birthday and stared down the barrel of a blank page

I was jobless, broke, on the verge of a divorce and moving back into the bedroom I slept in as a teenager, which is pretty bleak as far as circumstances go. In retrospect, I should have been terrified but at that point, I was so numb I couldn’t really feel anything.

I remember sitting outside a lot - trying to thaw, trying to recalibrate and reassess and absorb as much sunlight as I could. Foolishly wondering if I could hoard the light and warmth within my skin should winter return.

It had been a long December….and January…and God, February had been brutal but now, maybe there was reason to believe that maybe this year will be better than the last.

I remember feeling like I was too pale and thinking that if I “fixed” that, I would be closer to feeling more like myself again. Maybe that’s why I’m happier when my skin is the same color as slowly caramelizing toffee.

Nine years ago, things were not….good but nine years later, I am closing out my thirties in a much better place.

I married a guy who I love but also really like. He’s interesting, smart and funnier than people give him credit for.

I love our dogs so much, I literally call them my kids and our actual kid? Our son? Well, he’s pretty much the coolest person on the planet.

I worry all the time - my stomach is a furiously agitated bottle of seltzer - but it’s the good kind of worry.

Not the churning dread but rather, the kind that comes with a decent, happy and generally peaceful life. I worry about whether I have enough diapers in Will’s bag and when the goddamn pool guys are finally gonna show up with PebbleTec and Will’s new favorite game of, “I’m Gonna Literally Eat Rocks Because Mommy’s Anxiety is Goddamn Hilarious.”

The soundtrack to 39 sounds like a lot of different songs but side one, track one is Daddy, I’m Fine by Sinead O’Connor.

I'm glad I came here to London

I've myself some big fat fun

And I have even made some mon'

I got the most angelic son

My baby daughter is golden

And I do what I like for fun

And I'm happy in my prime

For my 39th birthday, all I wanted was to spend time with the people I love, so we rented a house in Sanford and did “Group Text Birthday” - four friends from high school who got our asses kicked in our thirties only to reemerge stronger, happier and more confident than when we started.

I drank gin, ate really fucking delicious spaetzel, laughed really hard, and spent time at the beach. It was about as perfect as I could hope for and if I’m lucky - which I think I am - the rest of the year should follow the same path.

More gin, more German food, more spending time with the people I love and more sunshine. It’s not much but it’s all I need and all I ever wanted.