Tougher Than The Rest - Bruce Springsteen

I am officially twenty weeks pregnant - the halfway point - and in four and a half short months, we get to meet our son.

I feel like I’ve had a really easy pregnancy so far. I’ve got pretty consistent acid reflux and I’m making more groaning noises as I vault myself off the couch, but other than that? I’m good.

But this week?

This week was hard.

Being pregnant is tough.

Being pregnant during a global pandemic is really difficult and this week, it just got to me more than it usually does.

Earlier this week, I was startled by a snake in our backyard and took a hard knee.

A garden snake. Not a coral snake or a cottonmouth but a small, wriggly garden snake.

I felt like such an idiot.

In the split second I realized I was going down, I made the decision to fall strategically, making sure my belly and my face were protected, so I took all of the impact on my knee.

Smart in terms of protecting my baby but ehhhh, not so great in terms of living with rheumatoid arthritis and smashing down mercilessly on one of my bigger joints.

We checked Will’s heartbeat using our at-home fetal doppler and I went in to the doctor to double check and everything is fine.

But, John isn’t allowed to come to my appointments anymore and I just kept thinking, “What if it had been bad and I was all alone?”

That kind of thinking is poisonous and does no-one any good, but it still managed to snake in there this week (see what I did? No matter how shitty things are, I still can’t resist a terrible pun).

Working from home got to me more than it usually does this week. I miss my coworkers and not interacting with people via a series of screens.

The news got to me and I had to make intentional efforts to switch over to more comforting media….like reruns on Law and Order: SVU.

Feeling bad about feeling bad got to me because I know I have it so much better than so many others but you know what? Playing the Oppression Olympics helps exactly no-one. Someone will always have it worse off than you and the refusal to acknowledge your own feelings is typically a bad idea. So, you embrace the suck and the fact that it does suck, you donate/volunteer and you work through it.

Anxiety and hormones frayed me more than they typically do and I couldn’t even have a damn gin cocktail to take the edge off.

And guys? That really sucked.

Are you there, gin? It’s me, Jaime. I miss you. Soon, my love. Soon.

But we made it through thanks to a good night’s sleep, some time at the beach, a little Led Zeppelin played low and an egg salad everything bagel with avocado - the best of all things.

Hey Will. It’s Mom.

So, my plan for you is to have an amazing life filled with joy, laughter, good food, music and adventure where nothing bad happens ever.

But, reality tells me that I might not be able to deliver completely on that last bit.

However, I have good news.

You’re part of Team Elder and among many other things, this means that Billy Ocean was right:

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

Two things:

Best fucking song ever. Dancing Danny Devito and saxophone? Is it Christmas?
We literally went to Cartagena, Colombia because we both really like the movie The Jewel of the Nile and it was awesome. Daddy bought a raw emerald off the street from this hilarious albeit kinda sketchy dude.

And no-one is tougher than me, you and Daddy.

I recognize that Mommy getting scared about a garden snake doesn’t exactly scream tough, but trust me? I’m a badass when it matters.

I promise you, we can do hard things and we can get through hard things. And we’ll do it together.

Just like we’re doing now.

So, my advice to you when things get hard is this:

Talk it out.

Sometimes, you won’t want to talk to me about stuff.

I get that, but please know that I’m always gonna be here for you. To talk, to listen and to say indignant shit like, “I did not spend nine months growing your heart during a goddamn pandemic for some floozy to break it like this!”

And when you feel you can’t talk to me - know that you can talk to Daddy or one of your masis. Sarika Masi is literally my favorite person to talk to and I know you’ll be able to count on her as much as I do.

Ask yourself two questions - “Did I get enough sleep?” and “Do I need to eat/have some water?”

If the answer to these two questions is “yes” - it’s time to dig a little deeper.

If it’s no - grab a sandwich, some water and a nap. There’s spicy lemon pickle in the fridge. Nanima made it and it goes really well with Manchego.

Go outside and breathe the daylight.

Daddy and I took Indiana to the dog beach in Juno this morning. We got engaged there so, it’s a pretty special place for us and I can’t wait to bring you there.

There’s never a ton of people there but there are lots of good dogs.

And there’s a unique kind of peace that comes with seeing dogs running around, splashing in the surf and being completely happy and in the moment.

It’s a factory reset for the soul and one I really needed this week.

So, when things get hard and you need a moment, I promise you sandy feet, Zeppelin playing softly on the radio and the hum of an engine as you nap next to a warm puppy on the way home.