Armchair Quarterbacking The Super Bowl LII Halftime Show

Congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles for winning the Super Bowl but more importantly, for beating the New England Patriots.

I'm a Dolphins fan so I'm morally obligated to hate the Pats but even if I wasn't, I still would based on principle. 

I lived just outside of Philly for about five years and while 80% of my memories from that time in my life are rubbish, I always did love the city and I can't think of anyone more deserving (other than the Fins) to take home the Vince Lombardi trophy. 

Especially since y'all marched down Market Street chanting, "Fuck Tom Brady"

Love you, Philly. Never change. 

However, this isn't about football.

This is about the mediocrity of the Superbowl Halftime Show. 

This isn't about Justin Timberlake.

OK. It's a little about Justin Timberlake.

That shirt. Why?

I'm a fan of Timberlake's music. I've loved pretty much all of his solo work and I agree with Sports Guy's assessment that Cry Me A River is the White Dude version of Tupac's Hit 'Em Up. 

But, I also think that he's a total garbage monster for what he did to Janet Jackson.

Justin Timberlake's Superbowl LII performance was mediocre at best. The sound quality was lousy which is a shame because he picked some great songs, he and his back-up dancers looked like they ransacked a donation bin outside of the Cub Foods and the Prince Tribute? 

I love Prince. Love him so much, I wrote about him. Love him so much, the first thing I did when I moved into my own first apartment was put his picture up on the wall.  

This was not a tribute to one of the greatest musicians ever. This was Justin ticklin' the ivories to I Would Die 4 U while projecting an image of Prince on an oversized bedsheet.

I've seen gaggles of drunk girls pull off better tributes at karaoke.

Hell, I've been in a gaggle of drunk girls pulling off a better tribute at karaoke. 

You know what a Prince tribute looks like?

It looks like lighting the stadium up in purple and hearing the dizzying wailing opening of When Doves Cry. 

It looks like a single, shining spotlight on Sheila E, working that drumbeat which has replaced the collective heartbeat of the audience. 

It looks like introducing Vanity and Apollonia and Susannah Hoffs, fading into the background and letting these women sing. 

Or maybe, just keep Prince's name out of your goddamn mouth to begin with and invite Britney Spears to perform a blistering duet/dance-off during Cry Me A River and then, inviting the rest of N'Sync to come and close out the show.

What else is Chris Kirkpatrick doing these days? 

I've done some event planning in my life and given the ample resources and cash money that the NFL has - I'm pretty sure that I could create something pretty amazing. 

For example: 

Superbowl 53 is happening in Atlanta.

You know what else happens in Atlanta?

Besides strip clubs and great Southern food?

(I've never been to Atlanta but I've listened to Ludacris' Word of Mouf and Chicken-N-Beer albums like, a million times. Luda wouldn't lie to me). 

Hip Hop.

Lots and lots of good hip hop with beats you could bounce a quarter off of. 

Considering the NFL consists of a majority African-American players,  a halftime show featuring local, predominantly African American talent is long overdue.

Give it a futuristic space theme - Donald Glover can fly in on Lady Luck to introduce ATLiens Big Boi and Andre 3000 of OutKast and then, bring out Usher, Ludacris, Lil' Jon, Ciara and T.I to tear the place down while Morehouse College's House of Funk brasses it up. 

Everyone eats lemon-pepper wet wings, the Dolphins win and we all goes home happy. 

Best. Superbowl. Ever. 

Wait.

Vegan wings are a thing in Atlanta....right?